Old habits are hard to break.

@OstiaAntica, Harbour City of Ancient Rome

I know happiness and self-esteem come from loving myself for who I truly am, but the inner voices of anorexia and bulimia whisper that I'll never be happy until I lose weight, that my worth is measured by how I look. The moment I realised I gained so much weight in UK (10kg basically), I started having strict eating rules. I refused food to feel in control, binged for comfort or purged to punish myself. I couldn't help but to allow appearance to top my own list, placing so much importance on how I look. At the same time so much hatred when I look myself in the mirror. I knew this was eating disorder during high school because I used to battled with it. In fact, I have stopped doing this to myself for 2-3 years because Goofy made my life so busy that I had less desire to focus on food and weight. Friends and family too showered me with a lot of love and care. Unfortunately it happened to relapse. Not until just now that I felt terribly uncomfortable after fasting for long stretches, I actually googled on self-help for eating disorders and on relapse prevention. What is that to do with cognitive behavioural therapy or do I really need a psychotherapy!? Awful. I wish nothing but to go HOME.